My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
