Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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