I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
so much tequila, so little girl.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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