JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
