Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
