Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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