Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
