My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
