who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
