I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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