i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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