You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
