He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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