I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
