Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
