i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
