I faked an abortion last night.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
