dude i'm inner monologue high
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
