Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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