CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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