i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
