Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just high enough for therapy.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
