He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
