the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have feelings that need drinking.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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