so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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