You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
