Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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