either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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