If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
