Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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