Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
