no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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