I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
