I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
