...so i touched it.
Barsexuality is the new black.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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