Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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