he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
