You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
