while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my being single is dangerous.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
