Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
