I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
