38 yer olds are good kisserssss
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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