i just sent this text using only my big toe
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
