I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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