i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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