I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
