i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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