The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
