is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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