Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
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